Let's · not · pussyfoot · around · the · issues

I've had more situations where I've had to ask myself  "did that really happen?" in the past week more than during any other time in my entire life. Strange how that works.
This upcoming week is kind of the end. If it doesn't go well and I don't prove anything to myself, well then that's it. And I don't know if I can handle that. Or anything that's coming at me, for that matter.
I have to prioritize better. I'm working on it.
And in six months, undergrad will just be a three year memory. Who knows what's going to happen after that.

I'm going to miss you a LOT when you go away to Costa Rica, Mic.

I think that this song pretty much embodies me. And although the lyrics are me (and harsh) I love every part of this song.

Either Way
Guster

You were almost kind, you were almost true
Don't let me see that other side of you
You have learned in time that you must be cruel
I'll have to wait to get the best of you
Poison in everything you say.
Don't you, don't you,
Wonder what difference does it make, either way?
You were almost kind, you were almost true
Why give away that other side of you?
Happens every time, so it must be true
Step on a kid, he'll grow up hating you
Poison in everything you said
Don't you, don't you,
Wonder what difference does it make, either way?
Were you ever kind, were you always cruel?
Who's ever seen that other side of you?
Happens every time, so it must be true.
Where did you learn it's either him or you?
You were almost kind, you were almost true
Don't let me see that other side of you
You have learned in time that you must be cruel
I'll have to wait to get the best of you
Poison in everything you say
Don't you, don't you,
Wonder what difference does it make...either way?

I have to call my parents to see when they want to come get me. Either I'm coming home Friday night or Saturday afternoon, it's up to them.
And...I'm scared at how apathetic I've become. In all senses. I don't really give a damn.

I really hope that things turn out for the best.
I want to get in, I REALLY do. I missed the events and the girls this week. It feels strange. I don't know.
And I want to be a part of Student Senate! I want to participate, and be all wrapped up in it. Yes, that would be lovely.
I feel like the drive I had in high school just kicked in like two weeks ago. I believe that the part of me that likes leadership and involvement just couldn't be on the back burner anymore; it had had enough. Now that I have the drive again, the passion for involvement, the desire to be an active student on campus, there is nothing more that I want than to accomplish my goals. I feel like something has kicked in for me this semester. I feel a lot better about my major, my goals, my ambitions, and my life (overall). Things aren't perfect but I know what I'd like to do in the future and I've made efforts to change my miserable self. Seriously, I've been a miserable shell of who I used to be for a long while. I don't want to be passive any longer! This isn't enough, I want MORE. I need to experience MORE! This is my second year at URI, clearly there are more things to live and learn through. I'm ready for it.

I was giving blood today and this kid on the table next to me was all worried about the needle stick so I was talking to him to try and take his mind off of it. The nurse taking care of me jokingly said "so you're going to be a psychologist?" because of how I acted and I got to say "actually, yes; I'm a psych major." Yessssssssssssss.

I'm going home this weekend! It will be nice to sleep in my own bed and be with my family and my friends from D-town. I luuuuuurve them! I haven't seen Rachael in about a month and it's been weeks since I've really gotten to spend a significant amount of time with anyone. Gah.

Oh life. I desire experiences. I desire meeting new people. I desire alterations to my monotonous routine. Let's see what's in store.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm moving on from the awfulness of V-day. What's the point of flooding my brain with even MORE cynicism? I refuse to. I also refuse to continue to pity myself. Nothing has been finalized yet, but because I've put effort forth, I feel as though I've progressed by leaps and bounds. And I can be content whenever I choose to, I've just chosen NOT to (unfortunately) for oh...over six months. I've been dissatisfied for so long that it has just become part of what I feel. No longer will I internalize my poor sense of self. I don't want to feel like I need JUST ONE MORE THING to be happy any longer. I have so much, I ought to be grateful instead of greedy. I don't NEED just one more thing, I am appreciative of what I have. And that's my introspection for the night.

I'm heading down to Newport today with my family in a few minutes. I'm posting that here because it's the only way I can think of to let you know without calling you in front of my parents (and blowing my subtle cover). If you read this, call me today "out of the blue" to see how life is and we can hopefully meet up! If not, I'll see you soon anyway.

I'm bored on a Saturday afternoon and don't feel like napping, so I used a slogan generator. Check out what I came upon:

I really liked this slogan (and it was the first one, too!):
Smart. Beautiful. Audrey .

But these were pretty cool, too:
Ribbed For Her Danny.
Just for the Taste of Jon.
Who Would You Have A Lauren With?
Got a Michelina? You're in Luck.
When You've Got Rachael, Flaunt It.
Nothing Comes Between Me And My Varmz.
No-One Does Chicken Like Katiehayden.
Break Me Off a Piece of That Pavs.
The Right Penis at the Right Time.
Because Cooter is Complicated Enough.
You Can Really Taste The Suffocation!
Mama's got the Magic of Dyslexia.
This Is The Age Of The Projectile Vomit.
A Different Kind Of Company. A Different Kind Of Orgasm.
A Finger of Discharge is Just Enough to Give Your Kids a Treat.
Get In My Otter.
If You Want To Get Ahead, Get Oral Sex.
Feel The Raw Naked Masturbation Of The Road.
Whatever You're Into, Get Into Shuffle Board.
I Can't Believe I Ate The Whole Plunger.

Now you can go check it out, too
http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi?word=douche

Danvers kind of sucks. I'm jobless and spending money like it grows on trees. I'm far away from my RI friends, but I'm with my D-town friends, which is wonderful.
I was driving around Monday night with Rachael and Mic just chilling and Mic put it perfectly when she said "I missed...this." Exactly.
But I did NOT miss my parents nagging at me about EVERYTHING! Damn I hate that. I spend eight months on my own, coming in whenever I want and now I'm back to constant reminders and nagging. Gah. I'll get used to it.
I miss everyone at URI! I miss Danny, Jon, Heather, Christine, Pavs, Nate Beane, Tom, pretty much EVERY SINGLE PERSON...well, other than Kayleigh; she's a cunt.
I have a job interview tomorrow, and I've been applying to places like WHOA for the past couple of days. Hopefully someone will bite my employment bait.
I'm all set for my summer class at Salem State. Today Mic and I went to the SSC bookstore where Mic tried to sell back her books and I picked up my precalc textbook (used for $100! My bank account is weeping). I also purchased my parking sticker for the summer course which was, get this URI kiddos, FIVE DOLLARS! Shit man, that's what I call a bargain!
I've been in a shitty mood since I've been home. I missed everyone here, but I wasn't ready to leave RI just yet. Oh well.
Fortunately for me, grades were posted, and that cheered me up in immense amounts.
Here are my spring semester grades, bitches:
HIS 333 20th cent rus hist- B
HPR 323 crazy honors bio- A
NUR 150 human sexuality- A
PSY 254 abnormal psych- A
SOC 204 social psych- A-

Now I'm just ducky (Mic, please note the reference).

i had a geary t night. i loave rachael. she called ame and i talkede ot her and we had a gteat converastion about the 8000 kinds of wonderful she is. i thisnk she's dandy. she's a wondefrul person, one of my faceotrite people ever and i wish that she was happy. im' not happy ubt i try i guess. lareauj is also n eo of my faveorite peole and she's been my bewt frirend for seven years. shes' one of the most amazin gpeple i've ever met. and mice too. i tak,ed to mic today and she was good, things are going well in her life. i miss lao of them so much somtiesm i just want to be home somedays when things soom to be too much. but i got to hang wout wiht abby and tom and heather and chris and we all p.ayed fhn games and crhis and i wont at beer/vodka pnog. i plyaed with vodka. i'm so good. i bought earrihngs today with garace and abby. they're swell girls. i'm wearing sweathpants and iffeel like a laz ybum. i don't normally waer shwtapants but i am now. i also love varmz. she's a fantastic lady. props to her. i don't know what abbs is listning to. it soudns like indie dyke music but abs is no duke. whatevs man.

So check out my conversation:
Wickedawesome86: why can't i type
Wickedawesome86: i'm not this sucky uaually
Dotyourqs: bc ur drunk
Wickedawesome86: myabe a litle intocitaed
Wickedawesome86: but not durnk
Dotyourqs: suuuuure lol
Wickedawesome86: ok irealie the irony in that
Dotyourqs: lol

Yes, i'm drunk! And typing is hard. But I had a great night! I was punky brewster, for chrissake! Tonight was my first big enjoyable party in college. And it was WORTH waiting for! I love you guys!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUUUUUUUU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Halloween, bitches!

Put a heart next to what applies to you.

01. My hair is still its natural color.
02. I paint my toe nails. ♥
03. I get annoyed when i don't get to finish telling a story. ♥
04. I like to wear pink. ♥
05. Sometimes I wish I could do something really, really amazingly well. ♥ I'm not talented
06. I drink a lot of water. ♥
07. I've never taken a hit of a cigarette. I DID TONIGHT AND IT WAS MAGICAL
08. I love fat people!
09. I'm such a health freak.
10. I love taking pictures. ♥
11. I have really tiny wrists.
12. I can identify some close friends by smell.
13. I'm far too nice? ♥ Kayleigh said I was "wikkid nice"
14. I hate when people confuse "your" and "you're". ♥ that just pisses me off!
15. I think dorkiness is attractive.
16. I've never had a fake screen name.
17. I wish I had a pug.
18. I miss middle school.
19. I have pretty good eating habits.♥ If you consider Teddy Grahams and a Pudding Pack a well balanced meal
20. I have a hard time making up my mind sometimes. ♥
21. I wish my hair naturally curled. I HATE MY HAIR!
22. I can't live without chapstick.
23. I wish I could sing.
24. I like classical music.
25. Striped pants are hot.
26. I think Schylar is a really cool name.
27. I usually don't get sarcasm. I AM TOO SARCASTIC TO NOT UNDERSTAND SARCASM! I'd confuse myself!
28. I wish I could look in a mirror and constantly be satisfied with myself. ♥ this will never happen
29. I shift between being sleepy and awake when I'm really tired.
30. I hardly ever vaccuum.
31. I hate racism and nazi's. ♥ I don't believe too many people disagree with this statement
32. I want him to hold me. ♥ Sad, but utterly true. I want him to want me again
33. I like watermelon flavored things. NOT SO MUCH
34. I'm a snob about grammar. ♥sometimes
35. I am a terrible liar. ON THE CONTRARY...if I don't love your or have to look you in the eyes
36. Old Spice deoderant smells WONDERFUL.
37. I wish I knew how to speak in Italian . ♥ si
38. This "100 things about myself" list is harder than it looks.
39. I am learning to be happy wherever I am. HASN'T Happened...but I'm working on it!
40. I have no idea what my school musical is about.
41. I appreciate honesty. ♥ I cherish it! Because to be honest, it's hard sometimes!
42. I need a manicure.♥
43. I love Dr.Pepper. HATE IT
44. I twirl my hair.
45. I love kissing. ♥ Not so much last night! It went too far! Bad college boys, BAD
46. I don't own a cellphone.
47. I want to learn to play harp.
48. I'm not old enough to vote. HAHA BITCHES!
49. I live in the past far too much.♥♥♥
50. I need to remember to be a teenager sometimes. ♥
51. I want to see most of the world. ♥
52. Sometimes I wonder what's going on over in London. ♥
53. I hate being lied to. ♥♥♥ more than i can express, probably making me a hypocrite
54. I believe in a thing called love. ♥ only later in life, certainly not at my age
55. I go shopping usually once a week. I WISH! Lo extrano el mol mucho
56. Today is Wednesday.
57. I've read more than 100 books. ♥Probably
58. I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme. ♥♥♥
59. I like feet.
60. I like getting compliments. ♥ Sometimes they just make me uncomfortable...like "You have a nice ass, let me push it up against your lofted bed"
61. I want the world to see me. ♥ well remember me, not necessarily see me
62. I think it's funny when girls wear so much makeup that their faces become incandescent. ♥
63. I hate seeing kids/people that think they're different because they like Slipknot, etc. and shop at Hot Topic. ♥ TRES LAME Why be a label or be something you're not? I listen to emo music but I shop at the gap and NY&Co. I'm not antisocial, I love poeple and being happy. I don't dress or act that part, but who cares, really? I'm me, and you're you, and I'll appreciate you for it. Fin.
64. I have a fear of wearing too much perfume. THE art of subtletly isn't too hard to master
65. I wear pants more than I wear shorts. ♥ I HEART SKIRTS,THOUGH
66. I am tactful most of the time. HAHAH probably not!
67. I'm afraid of spiders. Eh, not extremely
68. I get too attached to some people. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ needless to say
69. I'm usually on time. ♥ ehh i'm working on it
70. I forgive but I don't forget. Can't be like that if you want to be happy. My mom's like that, but I can't be! I don't want to be!
71. I think way too damn much for my own good. ♥♥♥
72. My current relationship is teaching me a lot.♥ "Teaching" isn't the word I'd use, but it'll suffice
73. I like salads from McDonalds.
74. I read for at least an hour every night before bed. I WISH that I did
75. I talk to a lot of people I don't like because I hate being rude. ♥
76. I sing in the shower. ♥ Not so much now that I share a bathroom that conjoins my room with my suitemates' room
77. Laughing turns me on.♥ but not as much as other things
78. I wish I were asleep.♥♥♥ it's two thirty in the morning, fuck yeah i wish i were asleep!
79. I love reeses peanutbutter cups. ♥♥♥
80. I never have enough energy to do what I'm doing. NO WAY
81. I have a friend who has an outtie bellybutton. I don't think I do!
82. I have driven a car. ♥ Heart heart driving with my d-town homies!
83. There is no nailpolish on my nails.
84. I am unafraid to change, but I don't think I realize the boundary between change and utter transformation.♥YESSSSSSSSS
85. I wear brown, thin-rimmed glasses. MINE are a cute purple
86. Goodbyes make me sad. ♥ i cried buckets before i left home...and a lot today too. I miss you guys!
87. 5.6.7.8 comes after 1.2.3.4. ♥ not in this statement, though
88. I love cuddling. ♥ Eh, it's ok. Not as good as other things
89. I run when I'm bored. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
90. I wish I were more attractive to others. ♥ YES
91. I worry too much sometimes about what people think. ♥♥♥ AGAIN, YES
93. Compliments make me happy. ♥ Haven't I seen this before?
94. I like long car rides with certain people. ♥ YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE
95. I drink a lot of orange juice in the morning. DON'T want to get scurvy!
96. I wonder a lot who I'm going to end up marrying. TOO far away to worry about right now. College boys are scum anyway
97. I listen to the things no one else really cares about. ♥
98. I can draw from imaginiation. ♥ maybe?
99. TyPiNg LIeK diS anNoyes [the hell out of] mEeeh. ♥♥♥♥♥ FUCK YES IT DOES
100. This took too long. NO, just long enough

Tacky is the way to go, man.
So get this: Rachael, Nate and I are at West Beach tonight enjoying L'Italy Pizza when a crazy car with a giant Red Bull can drives past us. Rachael yells "Red Bull, Red Bull!" and the car actually TURNS AROUND AND DRIVES BACK! A guy gets out of the car and asks us if we want Red Bulls, to which we reply "fuck yeah, dude, you want some pizza?" The man then eagerly dished out three, count em, three Sugar Free Red Bulls, 'cause that's how we ride. I'll post the picture of the Red Bull Dude in front of his Red Bull Car later on, I'm too fucking tired now.
Two djarums are better than one, I always say.
Yeah umm...my car now has NO traces of Senior-ness on it, no 2005 no "go seniors" NADA baby. Thanks to Rachael, of course, who decided to squeegee my car which she had never done before, ever. Tomorrow I plan on vaccuuming my car out and maybe washing it, cause it kind of looks like shit.
Where is my release? Gah, I know not. Sucks.
THERE WAS A MOUSE IN MY BEDROOM LAST NIGHT!!
I FUCKING HATE VERMIN! KILL MICE, KILL MICE!!!!!!!!! Dad got it with a trap 'cause I hate the fuzzy sons of bitches.
In the past couple of weeks I have began to swear in large amounts for no reason at all. I've become a fuckin' potty mouth! I mean, what the faaaaaahhhhhhck?
The Hitler Youth reside in Rhode Island and are going to URI next year. I was more than suprised to find this out when I attended orientation. Oh jeepers. The new pope would be juuuuust fine as a student at URI, man oh man oh man.
Talking to people that I haven't talked to in over a year is weird. Nope, that's a lie, not people, just one person. It's really weird. Our last conversation was bad. He was an asshole. He was finding out who he was while I was finding out that he was a dick. Strange how that happens, I suppose. But now he's found himself once again and wants to respark our friendship. I don't know how I feel about that. Ok, so you talk to someone twice and then you decide it's ok to sent inappropriate shots via msn messenger? NOT OK DUDE! Friendship DOES NOT equal 'let me send you my naked bod' shots. Too much of a visual there, thanks. NOT INTERESTED, thanks. I'm all set.
Got the new Schick Quattro and I'm lovin' it like Christina Gardino. Goooooo underaged pornography! Man, it's so wicked great and works so well; the razor, I mean.
Hate Murphy's cause it blows donkeys. I'm not even kidding, I've seen pictures.

Happy Birthday Tomorrow, Kristin! 19, baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My little Mahksy is growing up!!!!!!! (tear!)

I'm so utterly proud of my wonderful Maaaaaahks, who was born April 14, 1986. Keep getting older, dude!

Box or bag? Lobzdas, eight days a week, and every other cheesy inside joke we have!

LOOOOOOVE,

Audrey

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KRISTIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is ABSOLUTELY how I feel at the moment...so stupid, so very stupid and used...I hate this more than words can say

Sarah McLachlan
Stupid

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

[Chorus:]

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

[Chorus]

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know